I’ve been dreading this one. Today is the interview with the Doctor’s to discuss Gail’s final hours. I need divine help on this one, Pet.

It was another hugely traumatic day. I posted later

Thanks for the support everybody but that was horrible, horrible, horrible. Addenbrooke’s were superb and I have nothing but thanks and admiration for what the Doctors tried to do for Gail at the end and I am grateful for the time spent by the Bereavement Care team and the Consultant who I met today, who was there at the end of Gail’s life. He explained in great detail what they were faced with and how they tried to save her.

I needed that knowledge, but the fact is that going through Gail’s final hours is more pain than I could possibly envisage. Knowing the man sitting in front of me has seen the love of my life breath her last while I hadn’t been there, just tore me apart. I was forced to ask questions that I knew I didn’t want the answer too. Did Gail ask for me? No, she didn’t. Then, inevitably, just as I got the rush of relief from learning she hadn’t asked where I was, I got the equally insane rush of ‘WHY didn’t she ask for me?’

I learnt she was ‘very confused’ before her vital organs began to shut down. I accepted that knowledge but at the back of my mind I was asking ‘How do you know?’. You didn’t know her, how do you know she wasn’t talking sensibly? How do you define confusion? I have been tempted to ring back and ask on many occasions but commonsense prevails. The Doctor told me they don’t record conversations so no-one is going to be able to tell me the specifics of what she said.

This was a savage experience; one few understood when I told them what I was doing and why I had to do it. Sadly, my parents showed a stunning lack of compassion; ringing me and insisting on discussing something that could have waited, even though they knew where I was. A bad day all round and one I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

I managed to get back to my car where I just broke down and sobbed uncontrollably for about 30 minutes. Being back at the hospital, at that time was…. Just one of the bad days.